Conflicted, so conflicted

Or, my brain works double time when my body won’t work:

The doctor extended my leave from work from September 8 to September 23–two more weeks. I am very conflicted and struggling with this, so here’s a brain core dump, to unload this confusion and pain.

My doctor is wise, and also prudent. He would not take me out of work unless he thought it was necessary.

I am not seeking attention.

I am not avoiding work. I like my job, and miss being around people and being productive.

I think I’m being overly cautious, and need to just Do It–and then the effort of a shower uses up all the spoons, and I’m exhausted, woozy, and tremoring.

This flare up started with a heart event–erratic heartbeat and grossly elevated blood pressure, serious enough for a hospital stay and several more days with a heart monitor.

I think my wanting to return to work despite my body’s current refusal to work properly is my urge to be “good”. Good Girls go to work everyday, and don’t talk about their ailments. Good Girls just suck it up.

I’m embarrassed and ashamed that my body is so completely out of my control, and that I am chronically ill.

I worry that people, especially my supervisors and coworkers, think it’s “just” arthritis–meaning it’s just joint pain and stiffness. I know it’s an immune disorder that is causing my body to attack itself. Does anyone else know this? Do they care?

I’m lonely.

I don’t know what to do.

Update on this flare-up

The day after my experience with my rheumatologist’s not wanting to pursue more aggressive treatment, he unexpectedly changed his mind, and gave his blessings for a second opinion for treatment options.

I called the recommended doctor, and was told that the office had all the information they needed, and that the “person that handles all that” was on vacation until Tueday, after Labor Day. Okay, I have waiting this long, I can wait a long weekend more.

I called back on Tuesday morning, to be told by “the person” that the office is not accepting new patients at this time.

I felt like I had been punched in the gut.

Today was my two-week followup with my PCP. Not only have I been experiencing the worst flare-up I have ever experienced, but I have been having muscle tremors for several days. I cried throughout my doctor’s appointment–from embarrassment, shame at being unable to control my body, and fear that someone else would invalidate my feelings and symptoms. My PCP, though, has been treating me since 2008, two-and-a-half years before my RA diagnosis, and he knows me–and I should have had trusted that he knows me, and knows I don’t exaggerate symptoms or seek attention through medical treatments.

My PCP extended my leave from work for two more weeks, and took blood tests to investigate further. And his staff surprised me with a successful second-opinion appointment, with a rheumatology and orthopedic office near my place of work. It’s not until October 2, but I can wait, feeling validated by my PCP, and just knowing the appointment is on the horizon.

So now, I wait, and remind me of what my best friend, Bear, told me: Have patience with your body.